shit in my head

i am.

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 03:31:48 GMT

i am everything inside that i wish i could be.
i am open to your fears
and repulsed by your insecurities.
i watch you, waiting.
and my eyes are peeled back.
green reflective stickers
and your painted fingernails.
i am the orange mountaintop
that knows when a storm is coming.
i am raging in the middle of
your loneliness without me.
i will take your photographs
and paste them near my heart
to show that,
you, and you alone, are the one.
the only one.

hello world.

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 21:18:39 GMT

So here I am again. Finally. I guess if I do myspace, I should do livejournal too, since I am on the computer alot of the time anyway. Well, The summer is almost over, and I get to start college at Nicholls in the fall. Wow I am so excited!! OMG!! just kidding. fuck that shit. hey, at least I am going for free and starting as a sophomore. I am still dating Sabrina, since apparently we had just started dating the last time I updated. Things are going quite well, as usual. No big fights yet, which is definitely a plus. We made two months yesterday, so it is all good times. My wonderful brother is in Boston right now at Berklee for their 5 week summer program. I miss him alot, but I am very proud of his accomplishments. He is a wonderful musician, and it has been my priviledge to watch him grow through the years. If you would like to hear his music, check him out at www.myspace.com/tomschexnaildrelukecenac. As for me, life is alright. I am still working at EZ Pawn, and the crackheads keep me very entertained. The pay is good too. So I am almost positive that whoever is reading this skipped over all that bullshit to get to what I am about to post, that might actually be worth your time. "love to hate" maybe i could walk on eggshells or broken glass around your prim and proper fingernails your perfect hair, your tattoo makeup maybe i could write a love song about hate and let it remind me of the way i love to hate you maybe i could falter, make a misstep and no one would notice you would not care if i fell maybe like broken roses, and old ranch games we would laugh about it just like the good times never disappeared maybe true to your heart but disillusioned to your self-serving notions about being right, and having the last word maybe i could come out of my shell my outer core becomes me it is nothing like what i used to be maybe i should try to find the missing person inside of me i am the empty pack of cigarettes on your worst day maybe the answer is inside what i used to know somewhere back in time too far away to turn around but too lonely to recognize that i am coming undone my thread has come unsewn maybe you would have stayed with me if i would have only asked but instead my tears soak the bedsheets that i lay on they know more about what goes on within my head, my skull cavity than anyone, anyone including you maybe i should have reconciled my faults with something parallel like my fears about losing you maybe i am alone, ok i will admit it i will take a second and evaluate i am who i love to hate

good times i think

Sun, 05 Jun 2005 23:01:45 GMT

hey yall. im back again. i decided to update! way to go for me.

well i have realized that i get freaked out really easily by some really weird things. for example, my clean clothes touching the sink, people squirting anything wet in my direction when i have clothes on, greasy fingers, etc etc. the list goes on and on.

as far as lists go these days, i have been making alot of them. helps me remember the shit i need to do, as well as other random things.

so im dating sabrina. its fucking great. we have so much in common and sometimes it kinda freaks me out, but whatever. as long as shit is good, it only gets better right? i guess either that or it gets worse.

ive been getting fucked up alot lately, but i dont think that is really out of the ordinary for me, so its cool. its always fun times to be fucked up, but then again its alright to be sober too, especially if you are around parents. haha.

i finished high school. shouldn't i be proud of myself? haha. i graduated with honors and i didnt even walk. something must be wrong with me. i guess i am just a funny kid like that, i dont know.

alright then, i think that's everything that's been going on. woohoo, i have such an exciting life. you should strive to be like me. ;-)

life is good....

Wed, 25 May 2005 02:14:49 GMT

hey you guys.

im updating for like the first time in 3 weeks or some ridiculous shit like that.

so yea. shit is great. me and machele broke up. but im done with that part of my life. it just keeps bringing me down. and im tired of it all. fucking lesbian drama! thanks to her i successfully lost 20 pounds. woohoo.

ok so theres this new girl in my life. her name is sabrina. she is the most amazing person I have ever met. shes straight. haha! im working on it, dont worry. ;-)

ok to avoid telling you all of my personal business im going to go.

love you guys!

I'm back!

Sat, 07 May 2005 17:53:52 GMT

Hey you guys. Well let's see. Alot has happened since I last updated, cos I was in Virginia at the time. Now I have moved back to Louisiana and been here for about 2 months, and it sucks just as much as it did before I left. Big surprise! I now go to Terrebonne High School, and I must say it has been one of the worst and best experiences of my life. The best because I met all my great new friends there, and worst because my teachers suck at life. Ok, so I told you that I had a girlfriend of 8 months, well I had her for 9.75 months until she broke up with me. :( Oh well I guess. Not too much I can do about it, cos she gets to work on getting me back. I have two tattoos now, and since I just got them redone I am in considerable pain. But I will be alright. Not too much longer for them to hurt. They are damn sexy!! There is alot of shit going on right now, trying to graduate, get into high school, get a job, etc etc. I am just so tired and unmotivated though! I went up to Louisiana School to visit my friends last weekend and I had more fun in two days there than I have had in the last year. You girls are great, and you know who you are and I love you! Also, I just wanted to let you know that my superstar little brother is going to Berkeley this summer. He is fantastic! Ok so there's an update, Love yall!

im updating finally

Thu, 03 Mar 2005 21:18:41 GMT

hey yall.

sorry its been so long. my laptop broke and all the other computers in this house r shit, so thats why ive been neglecting to update.

let me just fill you in on some things going on:
well im still here in Virginia Beach, n it just keeps getting suckier n suckier here. the kids are so mean here. i cant even explain it. like there are some cool ones, but damn they are hard to find. me n machele are doing great for all who would like to know. we make 8 months in 5 days. thats a long ass time. but i still love her.

school sucks ass as usual. its just so damn boring. i never know what to do in class, so i either sleep or attempt to pay attention. ive got straight A's though. thats always good times.

well me n machele decided it is in our best interest in all areas of life to move back to Louisiana. i dont know when that is going to happen, but i hope its soon. i found out that i can go to Terrebonne and only take three classes and graduate on time if i transfer soon. how great is that shit?

today i found out that my 89 year old great grandma is in the hospital. she has a hiatal hernia and a bleeding ulcer. they say its life threatening. geez. i dont know if i can take much more.

well theres an update for you guys. hope you enjoy reading about the last couple of weeks of my life.

love yall!

im older now

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 22:18:02 GMT

well guys. its my 18th birthday. go me. i dont even need cigarettes and i think im gonna buy a pack just so the motherfuckers at the gas station can ID me and i can be like what bitches!

im getting a tattoo tonite. i think anyway. if im not completely sure, im not gonna go for it. it should be interesting though.

well today is considerably better than yesterday was, and i cant even really give you a good reason. i just got up and went to school. i got str8 A's on my report card and made the principals list too.

i think im gonna get out of here and go do something cool with my new 18 years of age priviledges. but heres one of my favorite quotes to finish off this lovely entry.

it is amazing how much energy some people waste worrying that other people are enjoying life in ways they dont approve of.

my birthday

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 22:22:07 GMT

hey.

my 18th birthday is tomorrow guys! yippee. now i can finally legally buy porn and cigs, and vote. of course there are a whole host of other things too.

well, mr gary has terminal cancer. wow why dont i go fuckin kill myself. that shit is not even cool. i cant handle all this nonsense. thats gonna be the 2nd person in 6 months i know that is gonna die too young, from smoking cigs. im almost motivated to quit now. i dont want to die like that. its not fucking fair. lifes a bitch and then you die.

let me share some of my writing with you.

my heart bleeds continuously
does yours bleed like mine?
its the sound of death upon my lips
they bleed like yours do

smell of crimson roses
they remind me of you bittersweet
trying times reminisce you
memories torn away from my vision

understand, please do you?
cause im not feeling your whispers
or seeing your actions
i know you are no good for me

it's fading like the clouds i dont see
why is this going on?
trying back in and back out
theres no use in being strong

though you rape the thoughts in me
and you molest everything i see
warped and twisted continually
i want more, escaping fantasy

what is everyone so afraid about?

Fri, 21 Jan 2005 03:02:49 GMT

i am so tired of everyone on this damn planet being afraid or disgusted or whatever of homosexuality and feeling the need to express it. i dont give a damn how you feel about it! i dont want to hear it, and i dont think everyone who thinks they know something about it should be able to express their fuckin ignorant opinions. like for example, today i justhappened to be in an ethics and law class listening to a student giving a presentation on things such as death penalty, affirmitive action, and gay marriage. well his reason for not wanting gay marriage to be legal is because he thinks its disgusting and doesn't want his supposedly future children to be exposed to such things. umm last time i checked theres alot of other shit in the world i can think of that is grosser than two people who love eachother exchanging wedding rings, and getting married. i mean thats just my opinion tho. damn dont you just think that for one second that its wrong that straight people who dont have a damn clue about being gay or anything involved with it get to choose whether or not we get married? its kind of fucked up if you ask me! ok enough of my bitching. just somethings get under my skin more than others. well i turn 18 in 2 weeks from tomorrow (friday the 21st). kind of exciting. legally able to buy cigarettes and kill myself with cancer that will surely kill me alot faster than drinking alcohol and gambling im sure ever would. fucking 21 age limit bullshit. haha. o wait! i can vote too. i hope someone asks me if i think gay marriage should be legal. cos id vote yes. ;-) too bad my one opinion doesnt count in this good old land of the free and brave right? it snowed here today. yippee skippee. aint i excited. school was delayed for 2 hours actually. it was fucking great. shortened classes! hopefully it will snow again tonite like its supposed to and we wont have to go at all. :-) well im gonna run n go do something a bit more productive than this. i call it homework, but it could be havin sex for all you know. mmk well guys, later!

maybe?

Thu, 20 Jan 2005 00:00:27 GMT

hey guys. wats up. wow there is alot of shit going on n i finally got a poser live journal to write it in. maybe you can understand me, cos i cant. well i must say that i am tired of being where i am. there so much shit going on here. i never thought i would get so much drama in one place. maybe its just me.

well let me tell you about my day. i got up at 5:45am and took a shower. geez why does high school here start so damn early? everybody knows that students cant think that early in the morning anyway. so i went to class but today was a B day and i got out at 12:20..not too bad. i got home and beasted my french paper, and then met everyone at the bus stop. we left and were supposed to go somewhere, but we didnt get anywhere cos it started snowing. snow is good, but only if we get out of school for it. other than that it just creates problems even though its pretty to look at. smoking a cig in 20 degree weather isnt pleasant either. i am still trying to get over brochitis and it fuckin sucks.

i miss my baby brother. he is so cool. his music is great too. im so proud of him. we had a good time in louisiana. i almost didnt want to leave. well thats it for my first boring live journal. i gotta go do something else with my time.

you are invited. you inhibitions aren't.